I’m writing this for a reason. I have emotions in me that are not good. They’re ugly and bad and nasty. And they’re poisoning me. I’m angry a lot right now and I’m taking it out in being mean to people around me. I can’t do that. So I’m here. I’m saying everything on my mind.
I am in a bad mood. That’s not shocking. Who isn’t in a bad mood? But that’s my point. I’m in an utterly horrible mood. What am I mad at?
I have to concede a shocking amount of my anger is at the civil rights situation in America. I’m seeing a campaign on trans people that sickens me. I know I don’t have any skin in that game. But I do. Some of my closest, and I mean truly my closest, friends are trans. I’m seeing people I love threatened with public erasure. I hate it.
I hate the fact that the mood in my peer group is apocalyptic. It makes it almost impossible to even have an escape. I know I’m no beacon of joy. But I hate that I’m so inundated with constant negative stimuli. And I could leave social media but then I’m lonely. I want friends. And face it, my brain is going to scream anyway.
Speaking of apocalyptic, there’s the heat. We are in one of the worst summers I will ever live through, I hope. I am heat sensitive. I am in hell because of this heat, literally. The heat is keeping me from homeostasis. I can’t get comfortable. My house can’t get to lower than 80 degrees in the afternoon. I hate it. I’m queasy. I’m tired. I’m sick.
The heat also makes it impossible for me to do anything. Can’t walk. Can’t get out. Even drives are out. I’m forced to sit at home which is making me miserable.
Then again where would I go? It’s not like I have a social life. I don’t have friends here. I’m lonely. Now I love my wife and daughter. Of course I do. But I still need friends. And that’s missing in my life.
So I have to pay for any fun. Which means I have to break a big social taboo and talk about money.
I’m not the first to point out how terrible the high gas prices are. I’m not the first to point out the inflation. But I have to talk honestly about it. And money is eating me alive. I’m barely keeping my head above water. I’m trying to. But I’m barely doing so and that hurts.
I look at money in America and I hate it! Literally everything requires payment. Especially health care. Today I had a meltdown and in order to just get someone vaguely decent to talk to I have to pay.
I look at the inflation situation and it triggers my injustice issue. It’s not fair. I’m only making a bit more than I was two years ago and I’m paying more for virtually everything. When Goodwill institutes 100% price hikes you know it’s bad. Oh and Kroger’s incessant price hikes might be the most evil thing I’ve seen. Isn’t it supposed to be cheaper to eat at home?
Ultimately that’s the core of my anger right now. The social contract. I’m going to be fought with on this but this is the truth. My generation was told if we went to school, got our degree, and got a decent job we would thrive. And it’s a lie. Everything is terrible and bad and it makes me sad. And I feel lied to. I feel like I want an apology.
All of this seeps into everything else. Nothing I eat tastes good. I’m at a point I’ve lost the joy of french fries. I’m unable to enjoy reading comics. I don’t like playing games. The movies I watch don’t make me as happy except as I watch them then they’re done. I like playing with Lola and Amanda. I liked going to the mountains. My job is fun. But I have lost happiness.
I know many of you will read this and tell me to buck up. I wish I could. You’ll ask about my meds. Still on them but need to increase the dose. You won’t like me. But right now this is where I am. All I can hope is that by writing this you understand why I’m where I am. Maybe by airing all of this I’ll be a bit better off. Because I’m sinking right now.
A Flickering Life 