A simple vent on my state of mind

This’ll be brief but I feel like I need to get this aired.

I am nothing if not a committed ally to social causes. I believe very firmly in what I believe in. I am a strong believer in fighting the ills of the world. But you won’t see much of that in my social media feeds. In my social media feeds, be it Twitter or Facebook, I tend to discuss either my personal life or the frivolous, silly things that I like to talk about such as comics or movies. I do tend to focus on issues of gender equality at times and I’ll always go to bat on autism causes but otherwise yes, my feed is light.

I’ve never really felt bad about that until the last two years. With the shift in the national conversation, things have made it harder and harder for me to keep that barrier up. And I get it. Things are bad and people need to talk.

So what I am about to say is simply me venting. I am getting sick and tired of feeling guilty about the fact that I keep that wall up. All of the quotes and calls to action I’m seeing? They’re part of why last May I had a severe mental health crisis to the point of needing to leave social media for a few days. I am active in my offline life in these fights but the sheer overwhelming guilt that I’m feeling online is starting to get to me.

The thing I think people need to know is I work in the media. I’m surrounded by the state of my world nonstop. I never stop hearing about the very serious issues. My life is spent on “what really maters.”

Social media is my escape. And before anybody says that it’s privileged to have that escape–and yes I’ve heard that argument–I need to repeat that I had that crisis in May. And it came on the heels of a minimum of two more. I actually had to reenter therapy due to world issues. I need my escape to stay sane.

There’s another issue too. Right now the world is filled with better voices than mine. Trust me I follow most of them. There are others who are just better at speaking out than I do. I don’t have any credibility on serious issues. I’m not someone to trust. Listen to them, not to me.

I care. I really do. I’m all for the classic forms of protest. I’ve called my reps. I’m aware at every second of what’s going on. I take this all seriously. Really, I do. I’m just not sure what more I can say beyond things are wrong.

So yes, my feed will continue to be light and fluffy. Don’t read it as someone blithely fiddling while Rome burns. Read it as someone desperately trying to manage their self care in public.