Here and Now

I didn’t want to write this entry. I really didn’t. There was nothing appealing about talking about what I needed to address in this entry and I can easily not talk about my depression and anxiety. It’s not anyone’s business.

But this blog exists for a reason. Other people are facing what I am and maybe things reached a crisis point this week for a lot of us. Maybe I can do a tiny bit of good.

I’ve had severe chronic depression. That’s not a secret. I’ve had violent anxiety. Maybe the worst since Trump took office. I’ve been working hard to deal with my stress but it’s there.

Part of it is what I talked about last week. I slipped past the point of no return this year on my past. A lot of what I love is gone and for the first time I’m confronting that I won’t fix that.

I’ve also been busy. That’s just part of life. I’ve had a lot to do and it’s been taking a toll. I’m tired and I haven’t had time to fully heal from it.

I have dental problems. That’s really scary to me. Two of my teeth are broken. I don’t like that. I can’t afford to get them fixed.

But there’s a big issue underlying my stress. I’m having severe PTSD watching the news. Because I thought for a second I would see consequences for bad behavior and instead things are only worse. I’m heartbroken and scared nonstop.

Right now we’re going through record heat and all anyone can do is talk about how it’s the end. And that’s causing violent anxiety for me of course. It doesn’t help my AC isn’t great. I’m feeling the worst of everything.

And I’m just sick of living without hope. The last 18 months have tried very hard to kill me honestly. Having my family has been the only thing I have keeping me from giving up. But I’m stressed and I’m angry and I’m sad all the time.

I blew up this week at the new Purge movie but it struck me it had such an impossibly nihilistic premise. I don’t understand why that’s the option I had at the theater but it was and that offends me. I wanted something better.

So I’m here in the morning on day 3 of a 3.5 day weekend. I’ve tried to heal. I read the Tarantino book and it was great. I drank A grade cider and it was great. I’m hoping to watch the new Power Rangers movie this week. I’ve got a commission after all. I’m seeing a friend later. I’m trying.

But I’m being honest with you. Right now I’m deep in the tunnel. I don’t know if I know how to get out. It’s a hard time to be autistic.

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