I’ve been mute on this blog for the last few months and I want to address why.
I haven’t written a new entry since August. A few weeks, maybe no more than one, after I experienced an incident that triggered my PTSD. I’m not going to talk about what it was. I’m only going to say it was a social one relating to online interactions that set me off.
But I’ve been battling intense PTSD lately. That’s beyond dispute. I’ve been extremely sensitive. Very on edge. Very nervous in social interactions.
My PTSD relates heavily to my experiences being teased and made to feel small. Thus I’ve been overly defensive. If someone criticizes me, I don’t want to be back in that place. So I’ve been angrier than I like. I’ve blown up way more than I should. It’s all to keep the fear at bay.
I’ve thought a lot about that period. You can’t ever really get it out of your head. The way you’re treated when you’re abused is not pleasant. You replay it over and over. And you fear that you’re going back.
I’ve also felt less like discussing autism. I’m lucky that my patrons want me to on film. I have no desire to talk about this topic right now. I’d rather run from it.
So bear with me. I’m going through a low. I’ll be back.