I need to write this.
I need to say aloud that yes I’ve not been well. I’ve been recovering from an anxiety attack the last few days. A rather violent one. One of the hardest I’ve faced in years.
What brought it on? A combination of factors. Being sick definitely caused it. A lack of sleep impacted things. The summer heat gets blame. Interpersonal stress gets a share. Financial stress too. Internalizing a lot of anxiety about autism as well. Guilt over my failings as a person plays an underrated role.
And it wasn’t one moment of breaking. 2-3 separate incidents of fracture leading to a giant break at midweek. The giant fracture hogs the attention but the smaller ones were just as culpable.
I look at where I am and I feel fear. I feel fear I’ve damaged my life. When I devolve like I do I alienate people. My friends MUST be tired of dealing with me. I know that. I know exactly how awful I am. My coworkers must absolutely HATE me. They should even. I’ve made their lives hell! As for my family? Well I’m just sorry.
All of this feeds itself. It kinda has to. I look at who I am and I’m not liking it. Every criticism I’ve gotten lately springs from my inner monologue and hearing it from others hurts. I’m genuinely sorry. I know I’m a person of bad habits.
And here’s the kicker: I’m already recovering and by the time I reach my emergency scheduled therapy appointment I’ll be fine. I’m gonna be just fine. I am indeed getting better. I’ve been on fire at work the last three nights with a wildly ambitious schedule ahead. I’m working with friends. I’m healing physically. I really will do ok.
Recovery is so weird to me. In the pit you think you can’t ascend even as you are rising. It’s unreal. But the mind is built to do this.
Part of why we get to the pit is to see that we’re facing issues we’re not done with. That’s true for me. I’m not recovered from my childhood trauma. Reading and writing about Autism Speaks reminded me that. I’m feeling acutely aware that I’m autistic in a world that’s not high on that. I’m not at peace.
So right now I have a plan of action. I’m limiting my presence on Twitter mostly to limit my own words. I’m limiting my Facebook use to close friends. I moved up my therapy session. As always I’m on my meds. I live immersed in art I like. I am going to work on me.
Bear with me until then. I’m sick. I’ll be better.
Thanks to Chris Janisko, Connor Clay, Jason Wells, Lance Rutt and Sebastian Moreno for their support. If you want to see more content like this, support me here.