Meltdowns are almost forbidden as a subject of discussion. There’s this terror of admitting that you have this horror in you. That under the right circumstances everything you’ve built as a mask can collapse. But they’re there and you have to face them.
I’m writing this not to self flagellate but to release. I want to come clean and own what I did to grow. These are 5 times I snapped and it went badly. I’ve ranked them in order of destruction in my life.
Honorary mention: the 2001 Missouri/Northwest Arkansas trip I’ve written about before. All because I didn’t realize bookstores don’t work like Amazon.
5. The time I snapped because a movie didn’t play Little Rock. This is a very minor one but I feel such shame it had to make the list. In the spring of 2007 I was excited for a comedy to play Little Rock. Then it didn’t make the Rave’s listings. I broke. An RA had to help me calm down. This was such a silly reason but it came just before college graduation. I didn’t have a job lined up. I was under pressure so I broke. Nobody was upset with me but it was such a silly reason. Then there was the humiliating kicker that it did indeed play that week. And the slightly redeeming factor that it was Hot Fuzz which became a favorite movie that week. Still bad.
4. A breakdown in a Walmart because a gift card didn’t work. Spring 2014. Notice how all of these are adult stories. These are the ones I can’t bear. This one happened because a gift card I had wouldn’t run. It happened at a moment when my funds were low. This one hurts me because of how nice the clerk was to me. I was collapsing and he was being so kind. I felt certain I couldn’t show my face around him ever again. I did ultimately. In fact he became a beloved figure with Amanda and I for how nice he was to Lola. But that realization of what a monster I was hurt.
3. The time I was handcuffed during a meltdown. Same season. I’d just crashed my car. Pretty great reason for a meltdown. That’s not the reason I have this here. The reason I have it is how I was treated. I was handcuffed and put into the back of a police car. It not only didn’t help that I tried to explain I was autistic, it made it way worse. I’ve never been so aware how dangerous these are to me. I could have been maced, tased, or sadly shot. This one is less on me but a reminder that society does not understand me.
2. The meltdown at work over satellite radio. Fall 2010. This ended so badly I left work early and had basically a complete psychotic break the next day, nearly escaping to Memphis for a day before turning around halfway. I was on the phone with a satellite radio representative trying to get an answer to charges with no luck. It built and built to a screaming fit. At work. I was shamed hard for this by my coworkers. If I hadn’t had family on site by nights end I wonder how I would’ve handled that night. This is the single greatest humiliation of my adult life. I still want to apologize to those I angered that night. I will never forgive myself for it. So what could be worse?
1. The meltdown on the playground in November 1994. There are moments that destroy your life. This one is the most destructive moment of my life without any doubt. Yes, I was 11. No I don’t hold it against myself. But I don’t ignore that the meltdown I had for being punished for acting out in class destroyed my 4th grade year and for a long time my image in Conway. It was the moment I became a pariah in that town. I was mocked endlessly for it. I heard the things I said over and over. It’s sad but this was the moment I’ve spent my life outrunning and often repeating.
So these are five moments I’ve lived with. What can I see from them? They’re almost all times of high pressure. I was moving during #4. I had just moved to a new town before #1. Graduation looked over #5. They’re also moments where what haunts me most is how I hurt others. That’s the really painful thing.
But there is hope. I do let go in time. It took turning Fort Smith into my happy place when I’m stressed to release the first incident. I’ve exorcised Conway by accepting the world didn’t know how to help me. The others I’m still fighting. But I will get there.
I must accept this demon. Maybe that’s how it’ll die.
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