Diary of an Autistic Father: Week 23

It hasn’t escaped my notice that working on this feature serves much the same function as caring for Lola does. For a small amount of time, I drop my worries regarding the outside world and focus on her. I maybe don’t get much done but I do something.

It’s been a quiet week thankfully. Lola had a small virus but healed quickly. Beyond growing more hair, she’s continued to be the same cute baby I’ve seen so far. She simply gets bigger and bigger each day. She’s more alive hourly.

Our bond is growing quite strong, which is fascinating as it’s purely nonverbal. I talk to her but she doesn’t respond. I have to read cues like her face to know how she feels. I especially have to rely on facial cues because frankly she’s not that talkative and when she is it’s atonal.

But I do read those cues. I look at her little face and see confusion, interest, fear, and joy. Lola is a very expressive baby. Looking at her teaches me so very much. She’s living the most simple life and it’s a release to go into that mindset for a moment.

As a result, we’re bonding. I know she likes being with me. She responds to my voice. She smiles when I smile at her. She grips my finger. She makes noises at me. And I smile when I look at her because I feel such feeling for her.

Lola serves as a center for me as I continue to work through my anxieties which have been resurgent. I feel like it’s impossible for me to find a new normal right now. I’ve written about this before and I doubt I’m done. 

In fact, writing has been hard this week. I’ve started work on the new book but it’ll be slow going. I’m really not in a headspace to write more than reviews. That’s ok. 

But I have my centers. Lola is here. I can always count on having to feed her. I can count on playing with her. Things in this area are ok. That’s enough for now. 

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