Diary of an Autistic Father: Week 18

It’s now been a full year since Amanda and I learned Lola was coming. She took two tests on one day followed by a doctor’s appointment the next. From then on we’ve lived heading towards Lola and then in her world. She has been everything I’ve thought about in the last year.

It’s a fascinating moment to be in, realizing that I’ve spent this long in that headspace. I’ve really been a father in my mind for that time. Every thought has to focus on that and that’s powerful.

It’s also a bit scary as I realize that I’m nearing a year after some of my darkest anxiety attacks. These were the attacks that sent me into therapy to deal with them. Some of the issues that triggered the attacks have abated. Some of the issues still loom. I feel better but reaching this time of the year has to make me anxious.

Fortunately Lola is here. She’s eaten much better this week. She shifted well to her new bed. Things are nicely status quo for her this week. Tomorrow she’ll go to the doctor for a checkup. She’ll likely do fine there.

This has been an intense year. Soon the holidays wait. I’m already nervous.

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