Diary of an Autistic Father Week 5

Lola is official in every sense. She has a birth certificate and a social security number. It’s the dawn of that great paper trail we drown in. Yay for her.

She is also a month old now. Well a month and a week. It’s fascinating to think we’ve made it this far. It’s certainly been a dense month, maybe the longest I can recall. Yet here she is. 

One thing that is becoming clearer at a month is her face. Lola’s face fascinates me as an autistic. Adult faces bother me with their endless micro movements reflecting the powerful brains at work driving them. I have a very hard time looking directly at them for this reason. 

Lola’s is a virtual blank. Her eyes dart but don’t focus. Her expressions are very simple. It’s obvious there is not a tremendous amount of thought occurring in her baby mind. She doesn’t have any reactions beyond the classic animal stimuli that I can read. She is simple in that way. 

As a result I find watching her deeply relaxing. She’s a peaceful stimulus, even when she cries. In those moments she’s expressing feelings I understand, hierarchy of needs feelings. But truly I find her the most peaceful when she sleeps. Her baby face goes slack and soft and she is still. 

Watching Lola sleep reminds me of my need for self care. I’m doing what I can. I watch two movies a week for Comics For Rent. I read. I write. I find my peace where I can. 

She’s a good baby at least. I cherish how much she lets me sleep for now. She’s a bit fussy but I can face it. When she’s happy she’s an angel. 

For the next week I’ll be on vacation. It’ll be interesting to see my opinions after that. Presumably unchanged. 

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