I won’t do this often after today.
I’m sitting in the Rave alone on a Sunday morning seated to see a movie. This is something I’ve done constantly for the last 13 years. It’s a natural part of my life. When I have time and money I see a movie. And after June, it will rarely happen.
It’s one of the myriad things that will change in my life after Lola Faye Shinn arrives. When Lola comes, all my routines, all my order will go away. She will destroy all I know and remake it anew. To a great degree she already has and she’s just sitting in her mother’s stomach, growing. She is a force of great change. She’s literally “apocalyptic.” (The term means great change in its original meaning and I rather love that meaning so that is what I use.)
Am I scared of this? It’s a lie to say I’m not. I lose sleep over my fears that I’ll fail her. I think constantly about her in every situation. When I fail I worry it’s a sign to come. I’m not perfect. I wish I was for her.
But all the change and the worry? It barely exists next to the joy I feel at the thought of what she will be to me. She will be born of 50% me and 50% the woman I love like nothing else on this planet. How is that not miraculous? She will surprise me in ways I cannot picture today. She will be like nothing I’ve ever known. And I cannot wait to meet her.
See, I’ve thought this through. After all, Lola Faye is far from an accident. Amanda and I struggled to conceive. I’ve had a long time to think about her. I’ve built up every preparation possible in my head. Am I completely ready? Who is? But I know what I’m walking into. I’m not naive. I can learn. And the benefits make the risks look subatomic.
So when in the future I find myself at the Rave on a Sunday morning, I’ll not be alone. I’ll have my critter beside me. She’ll be my library buddy. She’ll be my life. And I cannot wait to watch her grow up.
She isn’t born but I love her so.