I’ve debated extensively if I should write this entry. Admitting what I’m going to admit in this entry is definitely oversharing and carries with it a stigma. Maybe I should hold my tongue and avoid discussing it to look better.
It’s not who I am though. I believe in being honest and truthful no matter what. You’re not reading my blog because you think I’m a model of mental health. This is a blog about my struggle with autism. I have a duty to you, the reader, to admit the facts of my life.
Plain and simple, I began treatment recently to combat my anxiety issues. I’m not ashamed to admit this in the least. I am indeed seeking professional help to avoid having my meltdowns and to build a stronger self-image. This is far too long overdue for me.
There are many reasons I’m doing this but they all boil down to one truth: I can no longer live as ruled by anxiety as I have been. I’ve discussed the effect anxiety has had on my life before. Anxiety has controlled my life for a minimum of 20 years and really my whole life. Finally after this long, it’s started to have lasting scars on me. That’s what I want to discuss in this: the raw toll anxiety takes on you.
To live with Chronic Anxiety is to live 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year on constant watch. Your world will collapse if you’re not careful. That’s what anxiety tells you. If you can keep constant guard, not let any mistakes happen or anything break, everything will be ok. Do everything right. Everything must be perfect. Don’t relax. If you relax, something will go wrong.
And things will go wrong. You’re not a god. Things go wrong constantly. Instead of developing an immunity, you actually get weaker due to every little crack. A tiny issue with the car? It becomes a disaster in the making. A late bill? It wrecks you. Heaven help you if something big happens. You worry and obsess about everything.
It starts to take a toll on you. Anxiety is synonymous with insomnia. You don’t sleep much if at all. Sleep deprivation carries its own side effects. You’re constantly tense too. Your body is in both fight and flight modes so you perch, ready to move. Your muscles are knotted cords.
Then depression results as it must. Adios to enjoying life.
But the worst effect of anxiety? It’s the way you alienate people. Nobody wants to be around the anxious because they shouldn’t want to be around them. To be anxious is to rant and rave hourly about how scared and angry you are. You will push people away.
You come to a point where you have to change though. It’s not even a choice. Your life will be destroyed if you don’t learn to conquer anxiety. I certainly hit mine. I had an epiphany of what was going on and I knew I had to change.
Right now, I’m at the beginning of this fight. There are a few minor steps I’m taking to try to alleviate my issues but it’s still extremely early. Progress is going to take a long time, I fear. I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself.
But I know enough to know I’m done. I’ve hurt too long and I can’t any more. So I’ll fight even if it’s hard. I want to see who I can be.
I’m at war. I look forward to the battle.