Update: Amanda is expecting in June!
Secrets are hard to keep. They really are. There are some that are easy, sure. Who cares about a friend’s crisis in your circle if you’re the only one who knows them. But the ones that really matter are impossible to keep.
That I’ve held my tongue for almost the entirety of this blog on my desire to be a father is amazing. It shouldn’t be a huge secret mind you. I’m 31. I’m married very happily. I have a stable(ish) background. Obviously I’m someone who should look at this as an option.
In truth, Amanda and I have been fighting for a full year to get to this point. We started actively trying in August 2014. After six months, we started looking seriously at fertility treatments. We began testing for fertility issues in July. Now we’re still in the hunt for an answer as to why we’re not getting there. It’s proving difficult financially, logistically, and most vitally emotionally.
Amanda has shared her side of things on the GoFundMe page and now I feel, in the interest of honesty, like sharing my side here.
This has reminded me to a great degree of the experience of looking for a job. You grow up hearing how easy it is to get one and then you discover how hard it is. You take step after step to get there. You try every method. You even have a few moments you think you’re there. The longer it goes on, the angrier you get that it’s so easy for others. You wind up in a nightmarish holding pattern, ready to change your life completely but you can’t do anything more.
That’s where I am. I’m deeply, profoundly frustrated. But this time it’s worse because in the job hunt, I was shouldering the emotional weight alone. Now I’m in this with her, my beloved Amanda. She’s hurting and frustrated and I’m sharing her hurt while hurting too. It’s a painful situation.
So it is that I’m fighting for this. I’m fighting because I feel like it’s the thing I need to do with my life. I’m ready to take on the responsibilities and the duties of being a father. I need to get to this place. I need to become that next person I’ll become.
Part of this stems from my own relationship with my father. I’ve mentioned at length the aid he gave to me. I want to get to do the same. I have a debt to society for how he treated me. This is how I’ll pay it back.
Then there’s Amanda. Amanda is the love of my life and I can’t imagine wanting anything more than a hybrid of both of ourselves merged. The idea of something born out of our love, it’s supernatural.
All of this will change me greatly. I know that. My life won’t be the same. But I’m ready. I’ve grown past this era of my life. I’m read for what comes next.
A Flickering Life 