How A Meltdown Feels

It begins out of nowhere.

Nobody plans to have an event that will ruin their day. Nobody thinks about how to explode an humiliate themselves. You don’t do that because this is the thing you want never to happen. But if you’re prone it will and it can be triggered in as few as 30 seconds.

What is the trigger? It won’t be something logical to most. No, those the mind has a framework for. I didn’t have a meltdown when Lauren was killed. What will trigger a meltdown is a specific set of circumstances that come down to the following: someone or something commits a deed I find unfair and I can’t understand it. My synapses misfire and we are off.

It will often be so minor to everybody else. That’s the hell of it. They won’t understand and it will make things worse as you will go through this. Because you’re not only experiencing severe emotional pain during it but you can expect it afterwards. Usually I cry harder afterwards.

Oh and even you know it’s silly. That’s the worst part. The people judging you include yourself. And you will.

Once triggered, the word ride is the best way to view it. Oh, you’re in some control. You’re not sheer id unleashed, but you’re definitely venting. You have to face the storm, the ugliness, and ride it out.

And you will. In my case there will be screaming. No violence aside from slamming my first on a pillow perhaps. Just sheer screaming and letting it all out. If I am quiet and peaceful to the point I blend in, this is my photonegative released.

And I mean letting it all out. You may not think consciously about it but the pressure usually builds. The world is frustrating. We are unhappy people too often. So we are doomed to explode.

The screaming happens, causing side effects. There is sweat. Capillaries are bursting a bit. Face is red definitely. Vision blurs a bit, largely from squinting. Seeing red is real. Afterwards the throat will be raw.  After a severe meltdown I might have a hoarse voices for days. This has been captured in audio.

And what are you saying. It doesn’t matter. It is an anger driven idioglossia. The truth of the meltdown might be in there, the target. But that’s not the truth. The truth is something is wrong and it can’t or won’t be corrected. You need help. You need it corrected. You need to understand. And you don’t.

It’s not because you’re spoiled. It’s not because you’re rude. It’s not because of anything except frustration and confusion. Emotional overload.

Intense fires burn bright and hot but they also burn fast without fuel. Given the chance, the meltdown will end fast as the soul’s bile is expelled. The melter gains their bearings.

Fuel it and things get worse. There’s no getting around it. Nothing more can be said.

When it ends, it will be rough landing. Tears are coming. Exhaustion is coming. The only way to get out ok is to just be honest as possible. You broke. This was hard. If you have to breach your soul, explain yourself as definitively as you can.

This is not the end. You will go on. This will happen again. You. Will. Go. On.

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2 thoughts on “How A Meltdown Feels

  1. It takes a lot of chutzpah to dig deep and pull out the raw bits of yourself that most people hide. Bravo for your bravery. If your process is anything like mine, then getting it down on paper is the first step in helping you get through the pain. I wish you the best on your journey and will always lend an ear (or eyeball, in this case) to anything you want to share along the way.

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