There are moments I honestly get frustrated with this blog. I’ve designed it to be very topical and not very open to in the moment. But, well, there are moments I have to admit I’m not in a topical mood. This is one. So rather than trying to capture an aspect of my general life, let me step back and study this moment.
2015 hasn’t been the endless round of fights I experienced in 2014. I’m amazed I made it through that year. Nearly five months in, it’s been almost quiet. There was a bout of winter weather and the move. Amanda and I were both sick. Few other beats here and there. I may expound on one soon.
The thing is, 2015 may be light in the major blows compared to 2014 or even 2013 so far, but it’s been sustained. There were moments in 2014 to this point I’d been able to relax and breathe. But really 2015 hasn’t had that. Starting at the beginning of the year it was a hunt for the house then a desperate scramble to move. That was followed by the writing and the illness.
And now, I’ve realized I’m tapped out. It’s a funny place to be and I feel like writing on it because ironically my drive to write on anything else is dead. That’s not quite accurate, I’ve written a few pages on the second draft. I’m not going to go into too much work on it yet because I’m burnt out and want to protect it.
My book has been a big challenge, I concede. The real challenge I’ve faced is a simple one: I wrote this material less than a year ago. I’ve told it and I’m struggling to find the energy to retell it. I might very well take a few shortcuts here and there to get through to because I do care. I want the book to be good. But it’s really hard to bring myself to want to restart telling the darkest stories of my life. Admitting this is hard.
I’ve had a hard time mustering up a lot of energy for a lot of things though. My days off have been a lot of aimless drifting. I almost want to blame the weather for that though. A thick haze without actual rain is more depressing to me than a pounding rain. A pounding rain is alive. The muck has been deadening. I have profound seasonal affective disorder and this does it.
But back to my days off, I’ve realized I have drifted. I’ve used excuses of errands but really this has been me not wanting to expel my energy right. I’ve been restless but instead of using it, my script aside I’ve done nothing of merit in this time. I’ve spent too much time just wandering. I’ve wasted a lot of time and built up a lot of energy. Bad call.
I’m bound and determined to get past all of this though. One thing I’m doing is admitting there’s an awfulness in my heart right now. I’m not feeling right and that’s ok. I’m also getting rid of people in my life who have been toxic while leaning into people like Amanda who heal those wounds. Amanda is the great balm on my soul.
One day I will be replenished. For today I wear a skin I need to shed.