Consider this just a brief, honest note about how I’m feeling of late.
Recovery from an incident of depression can be as complex as being deep in the pit of it. The emotions, much like depression, aren’t as simple as the emotion at the core. In this case, it is happiness but there are other emotions. Some are even the same ones as in depression such as anxiety and fatigue. I’ve had very vivid dreams much as in my depressive incidents for example. They’re just happier.
The general sensation of recovery is best expressed like this: you’re starting a new day after a difficult incident. You’re still carrying the emotions of the time before but they’re fading back and they’re more intellectual than anything else. You’re starting to look at the future. After a long time of not making plans, there are a few made a bit further out than you could make in the time before. You’re trying again.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve slowly begun to enjoy my life again as I used to. Some of this came from drastic steps such as taking a day to flea market and I’ve definitely been making sure to spend my weekends as boldly as I could. I’ve also taken small steps such as trying to read as many comics as I can get my hands on. I went to the movies for the first time to see a new movie since all of this started. I’ve recorded a new ep of my podcast.
These are all the small steps that lead us to rebuild ourselves. I think the most unnerving part of depression is how we lose all passion for the things we love. Even the things we “like” in don’t feel that good. I haven’t really enjoyed alcohol as much as I had before the episode. Finding out a jalapeño pineapple mead tasted good was nice last week. My comics have had a nice kick lately too. Really loved Avengers & X-Men: Axis last week. Good stuff. I’ve even begun enjoying food again in ways I hadn’t in the pit.
I’ve also been writing a lot more. My script is going great! I really think I have something interesting and that helps. Productivity always helps. I admit I’ve started and abandoned several drafts for this blog but nothing felt right or honest. I’ll finish a few of them, I’m sure.
What’s really helped has been not being alone. Amanda of course has been the single most vital part of my life as always. She’s been a tremendous aid and I love her so. I also have my friends, who I can’t express enough love for. That includes just as equally my friends online as off. I’ve not been quiet and they’ve helped. Then there is of course my family who I love dearly. I saw my mother, sister, and brother-in-law last week. I’ve seen my dad several times.
Ultimately the greatest help is time. The phrase “the new normal” has a powerful meaning. After a long enough time, the reality of the situation becomes normal. Then it stops being fresh. It still hurts. I’ve wanted so badly to call Lauren to discuss Gone Girl with her. I sometimes even think I see her. I thought that was a made-up thing but nope! The pain is there but it becomes part of the lens of how I see the world. That’s when I start to work with it.
I make no secret of my love of Dante’s Divine Comedy. I might not get every reference in it but I love the imagery. As I see it, right now I’m climbing out of the pit. I’m in Purgatory. I’m still fighting but I now know things all get better. With every day I’m here they do. I haven’t given up yet.