I’m writing this entry in the moment, expressing my present mindset rather than looking back. This might be a rambling entry but so be it. My goal with AFL has always been to show you my mindset and today nothing will help me more than baring my soul.
This week has been a brutal one in my community of friends. One of our lights was taken from us all too soon. And I’ll be perfectly blunt: it’s really hit me hard. I just saw my friend last week and I will never see her again. I’m really trying to process this.
I have no experience with grief like this. I’ve lost grandparents. I’ve lost acquaintances. But I’ve never lost someone who was so deeply a part of my life. My friend was someone I’d even been seeing more frequently of late. She was very close with my wife. In fact it didn’t shock me to come home and see her hanging out with Amanda.
It’s weird because it’s not real. Or at least it’s just now sinking in. My dear friend Albert compared it to trying to process infinity and he nailed it. It isn’t “like” it, it is just that. I’m NEVER going to hang out with her again. This isn’t someone moving away or getting into a fight. This is it. And the human mind isn’t built for it.
I had the inevitable weirdness about not crying. That lasted a day. It was followed by the equally inevitable weirdness about crying in public. I tried my best not to. I failed. At least I had a good reason. HFAs usually don’t. We cry anyway. I expect to shed many more tears.
I feel selfish too. I’m feeling this intense powerful emotion. But so are other people. Usually when I’m hurting like this, I’m alone in that hurt. But I’m not. I’m not even sure I have the right to feel as strongly as I do. I’m not family. Just friends. But I’m so deep in this. Is even writing this a violation of the norm? I don’t know and I wish I knew because I want to do right.
I know this: I’m not alone and that’s, in a sad way, great. I have a wife, friends, family, and all manner of people who care about me. I’m just at a loss. Grief is messy, complex, and weird.
Next month I’m going to delve into my high school years. She will come up as she was a close friend then. I look forward to looking back. Until then I can only take heart that I’m trying to do right. Tomorrow isn’t going to stop.