What Keeps Me Going

This piece is inspired by Matt Fraction’s stellar article on the subject of suicide and I write this in reaction. In it he encourages the suicidal to find SOMETHING to give them a reason to keep going. Perhaps that’s a bit simplistic but it triggered in me the need to write about what propels me through life. I write this not as any critique of suicide, indeed I feel such deep sympathy for the suicidal, but as an affirmation of my life.

Nothing drives me more than my wife of course. I have only known Amanda for just over three years and I don’t feel like I’ve spent enough time with her by a long shot. I cherish our time together so much. I want so much more of it. There are long term plans we have and I’m eager to fulfill them. 

I have my family too. My sister has a son who isn’t yet one. I haven’t been called Uncle Austin yet but I really want to hear that. I want to pass his first comic books to him. I haven’t gone to the arcade with my brother in a long time and I really want to soon. I have so many conversations yet to have had with my parents. I need those.

I have my friends, a mix of ones online and in real life and at this point some strong overlap in the categories. I need to get to know them better. I have so much yet to say to them and so much yet to hear from them. There are so many things we need to do together. How could I pass that up?

I have my job. I love my job greatly. I’m not satisfied with the quality of work I do. I want to prove myself to my fullest and I know I can. With each day I have the chance to show what I can do. I want to really blow people away. 

My writing isn’t complete. I’m not even a published author! I haven’t started and finished a new script in years! There’s this very project too. I’m just getting started and I have so much I want to do here! I haven’t even gotten to some of my most important stories.

The Film Room has a schedule including an episode in May. How could I miss that? We have so many plans for the cast that I want to hear. This cast has been so incredible too. I got to talk to a professional director who did films you love this way! When your cast is that fulfilling, you have to see how much better it can get.

There are so many movies coming out I want to see. How can I miss Marvel’s slate? Pixar has a great looking film next year I need to see. I have to see Batman v Superman! Paul Thomas Anderson has a new film coming that sounds like a return to form. I have no idea what Spike Jonze is doing next but after Her I want to know. There’s too much out there.

Also my comics. Marvel has two great sounding events coming. I’m eager to see what my friend Ramon Villalobos does next. (I’ve bought all of his Marvel work and won’t stop.) I really love the current X-Files series. I’m curious about where Rocket Raccoon is going. I need a new Howard the Duck series and in my dreams I write it. There’s too much to read yet. 

Then there’s the library. I’ve got 14 books on hold. That’ll grow and shrink but at the end of the day I have so much yet to read…

But there’s the most important one. I want to grow old. I want to know the experience of looking back on 50 years. I want to see the world grow and evolve. I want to have children. I want to have grandchildren. I want to be amazed by change. And I want to go out strong until I just fade some day. I’m living for my future. 

These are the reasons I live. I write this merely as an affirmation of some of the drivers in my life. I know there are more I could list. I love that.

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